She spent the rest of the meeting fuming and contributed little. Sadly, abrasive behaviors happen all the time. Like Jarelyn, people often feel powerless to react productively. Thankfully, there is a fundamental human characteristic that can short-circuit abrasive behaviors, whether from coworkers or supervisors. That trait is curiosity. To harness curiosity, though, you have to understand abrasive behaviors first. These types of behaviors may be better addressed through formal processes.
Michael added an abrasive gesture with a wave of his hand. He also added an abrasive facial expression with pursed lips and squinted eyes a scowl. Michael started with an abrasive sound banging open the door and ended with an abrasive movement turning his chair away from Jarelyn.
Abrasive behaviors have power because they fly under the radar of normal conversation. They subtly invite you to question your basic value to the organization — your pay, your job, your place and even your right to respect. If the abrasive behavior comes from a person in a higher position of authority, the perception of a threat to identity only heightens. As with the scenario above, typical reactions include shock, anger and withdrawal.
You may feel compelled to match abrasive behavior for abrasive behavior. Strong curiosity breaks that pattern, however. For instance, in some places abrasiveness may be considered common. In other places, being too direct or too honest , may be completely off-putting. Where you're from and how you learned to deal with people is one way to determine whether a person may be seen as abrasive.
According to Lewis, abrasive personalities come from several sources. In some cases, abrasiveness may be a form of manipulation.
This type of abrasiveness may indicate a bigger personality disorder. Abrasive people are often the ones with a commanding and domineering presence, psychologist Dr. Mindy Beth Lipson tells Bustle. Lipson says. Abrasive individuals can be very intelligent and analytical. Often times, Dr. Lipson says they don't want to appear vulnerable to others, so they overcompensate by saying things in a confident way. Unfortunately, that confidence can come off as commanding.
If someone feels like they're coming off as abrasive, Lewis says it's important for them to "be more self aware of their communication style. But not all direct people are abrasive.
Some direct people are very healthy. It only becomes toxic if the person is narcissistic, passive-aggressive, aggressive or paranoid. According to Dr. Lipson, being too honest can come off as having "very little tact when it comes to other's feelings or experiences. But if someone's too honest to the point that it's unintentionally making another person feel bad, it's obviously not.
Since some people don't know their actions come off as abrasive, Dr. The results were sobering; the red scores dominated his profile. Scores that reflected low interpersonal sensitivity and self-control were off the chart. They revealed a personality with an emotional hair trigger and a "lone wolf" attitude, someone who has little interest in working with others unless he is controlling or dominating them.
Moreover, his needs for attention and recognition scores were also in the bright red range. In short, it was a profile that grabbed his attention by the obvious mismatch between his personality and the requirements for meeting his professional aspirations. When a self-administered assessment is not practical, then objective feedback from peers and colleagues must be used. These data can be obtained by online instruments that produce a report of the aggregated results of colleagues' assessments.
Finally, the results of third-party interviews with colleagues can also be a valuable source of external perceptions. The key is that the abrasive personality must have an objective mirror which reflects back to him how the rest of the world sees him. Objective data are difficult to dispute, and almost always have a powerful impact.
Play to their self-interest. Even if the abrasive personality recognizes a need to change, it will frequently be on an intellectual level and won't reflect a "gut-level" readiness that will drive them to change their behavior. For that, they have to have a selfish reason to change. Playing to their self-interest is a two-step process.
First, you must identify what they really care about, what they value. In the case of our Dr. Alexander, it was a burning desire to head a neurosurgery department within a prestigious medical academic center. Second, you must tie the desired behavioral changes into those ambitions in a meaningful way. The key point is that you cannot simply tell the abrasive personality why they should care about change; rather it's imperative that they "convince" you that they need to care.
They must be the ones to say it, then you reflect it back to them using their own words so that they can hear it again. Having them say it, then hear it reflected in their own words is critical to self-recognition.
Take advantage of their competitiveness. One of the most common traits of abrasive personalities is their high level of competitiveness. It is this desire to win, achieve, and dominate that drives much of their behavior.
Challenging their ability to change can stimulate their competitive nature and turn it to work in their and your favor. For example, with Dr. Alexander, the coach subtly expressed doubt about his ability to do what it will take to change people's perceptions by saying, "I admire your desire to change, but look at all the red scores. Are you sure that you can overcome those barriers? Not many people can do it.
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