Why does he avoid confrontation

I continued working with Tom and Marcia for a few months before we stumbled upon a turning point. We learned that Tom had been especially close to his mother from a young age. Tom rebuffed her attempts to connect with him, as he felt they were intrusive or controlling.

He knew this hurt her, but shrugged it off. Tom shrugged. What kind of questions would you ask her to write that story? Together, Tom and I came up with a handful of questions he might ask his mother: What was it like for you to move away from your family when you got married? What was it like for you when I was born? What was the biggest challenge for you as a parent? What did you enjoy the most about parenting? What were your biggest fears? What was your relationship like with your own mother and father?

Ask her some of these questions. He plopped down in the couch, eyes beaming. List what you might gain by speaking up On the back of the same piece of paper, write down what you could achieve by speaking up: Your relationships might improve, your problems might get solved, or you might become happier. Reconsider your assumptions about confrontation Fear of confrontation is often based on false assumptions.

Keep practicing one small step at a time Confronting someone is more of an art than a science. Consider your efforts a work in progress and take small steps. Preparing for Constructive Confrontation Now that you feel a bit more confident, use these tips to prepare yourself whenever you have a confrontation. Why are we having this conversation, and what do I hope to achieve? Is my goal supportive of the other person or punishing? Am I emotionally prepared for this meeting?

What feelings are being triggered by this situation, and how does my history explain those triggers? How is my attitude about the impending conversation influencing my approach to it? Can I focus on the good that could come from this rather than worrying about the negative? What do I know about the other person? What could he or she want, and what are his or her fears? I have told this story to men dozens of time in the years since, and the four responses have been almost identical each time.

You see this trope often in movies or reality — the malfunctioning equipment starts working after beating it. He made the most effective resolution both in the moment and to keep himself stable well past it. Regardless of what happened with the relationship, he sounds more patient and mature than most people at a younger age.

Thanks so much for this article. I need to read this right at this moment. My boyfriend literally just walked out because of a conflict. He said we would discuss it after he has time to process which I thought was just an excuse.

Now I know lol! Your email address will not be published. I accept the Privacy Policy. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. Foresight warns you that confrontation may not be worth the potential result , which leads to avoidance. If you would most definitely never write an entire album about your ex, Olivia Rodrigo-style, you might just have a more passive personality, says Tina B. Tessina , Ph. Practicing having confidence in yourself — and affirming that your needs matter — can be a big part of your fight, freeze, or Amy Santiago journey.

Getting burned before is a pretty quick way to teach you to avoid fights. When a given circumstance signals you to fight, flee, or freeze, the easiest decision for you might be to walk away. The pressure mounts and perceived stress is followed by sweat, an increased heart rate, and worry, and your gut reaction to is avoid the situation altogether. Who needs angst when you have a reliable Rolodex of conflict resolution techniques in your back pocket?

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